Neither with nor without you
by BunBunBun
Summary: After a century of lovers and losses, Captain Jack Harkness had come to realize that he would never truly be happy. Then, however, he met John Smith. [A different take on Human Nature, Jack/Human!Ten, Jack/Ten]
1. Chapter 1

**Neither with nor without you**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything about Doctor Who or Torchwood, really.

**Setting: **Cardiff, during the 2000's and onwards

Jack's time line: roughly during season 1 of Torchwood. That is, he's immortal already, but hasn't met the Tenth Doctor and Martha yet.  
John/the Doctor's time line: basically, after Time Lord Victorious/Waters of Mars

Also, I should probably mention that I'm referring to the time lord as 'Doctor', while 'doctor' generally refers to the profession.

**Told from Jack's point of view.** For that reason, some members of Torchwood's main crew appear, but you don't really need to know the show to get this story.

So, what else...ah

**Usual pre story ramblings:**

The interwebs knows much Human Nature-inspired fan fiction, yet for some reason, I never really stumbled across one that would consider the beautiful pairing that is Jack/Ten (though I must admit, I haven't actively looked beyond the obvious, so I'd be really grateful for any links -hinthint-)

I'm speaking of the episode Human Nature all the time, but I'm actually referring to the use of the chameleon arc. To the Doctor, this story happens much later. I've been wondering whether he would ever freely choose to become human again and, if so, for what reason. So, well, this story is my answer to those questions, and even though I should have added more filler episodes, I like how it turned out in the end, soooo I hope you'll enjoy it, too!

* * *

**Chapter 1**

He was out of breath, running a familiar route for a reason he did not quite remember. Finally, he caught sight of the fountain on Roald Dahl Plass...and his heart skipped a beat.

He had been in a hurry to reach Torchwood, obviously, but this...

All over the square, amidst chunks of burning debris, people lay wounded...or dead.

What the hell had happened here?

He should probably try finding his team, but if the situation was anywhere as dire as it looked, he should get some information right away. Thankfully, some people had survived whatever ordeal had taken place here, and some had even managed staying conscious. Jack was just approaching a brown-haired man who might have been a stunning beauty before the assault when a voice he both loved and dreaded called out to him.

"Jack!" Gwen yelled, clearly distressed.

He turned around.

"Jack!" she repeated, more insistently this time.

Blinking, the Captain stood startled. He could hear her, but where was she hiding?

"Jack!" she yelled directly into his ear, causing him to blink in shock. When he opened his eyes again, however, he was no longer standing amidst injured civilians, but within the safe walls of the Hub.

Noticing the half-done paperwork underneath his cheek, his mind finally caught up to the fact he had fallen asleep rather than failed to protect innocents yet again. "Gwen," he greeted his friend, the relief from returning to reality quite evident in his voice, "thanks for waking me."

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for not drooling on my latest report, Jack," she replied dryly, but cracked a tiny smile.

Stretching, he sent her a brilliant grin. "So what brought you here on this fine evening?" he asked amiably.

She arched an eyebrow. "There's work to do, Jack," she stated and sent him a meaningful look, "what else would it be?"

* * *

"What has been considered a skeletal deformation has turned out to be an alien parasite," Toshiko informed them as they entered a hospital.

"We ordered anybody quarantined who had contact with the victim," Owen offered, "but I really hope this beast hasn't had a chance to procreate."

Nodding in grim agreement, Jack pushed the final door open to reveal a single patient within a large, anonymous room full of beds and couldn't help gulping.

The victim...was only a boy of maybe eight years, sobbing heartbreakingly in either fear or pain.

As Jack's heart was breaking a little, Gwen was quick to hurry to the boy's side. "Joshua, that's your name, isn't it?" she addressed him with a soft smile, "We're Torchwood, and we're here to help, so can you tell me what happened?"

The boy only slowly stopped sobbing, but he did watch her through tearful eyes. "We heard there's...something on your back," Gwen whispered compassionately and patted the boy's hand.

Sniffing audibly, Joshua nodded numbly.

Gwen's smile softened. "Can we...see it?"

The boy's face froze for a moment. "It hurts," he sniffed, and the wails started anew. He was sobbing even harder than before, and suddenly even Gwen was at a loss of words.

She had asked about his back to get the boy to warm up to her, not necessarily because she needed his cooperation to see what was wrong. The boy was not exactly leaning against the wall, and while they were rather small, the grey appendages on his upper back were visible enough.

"Wings," Ianto breathed in awe.

It wasn't as if they might be functional from a strictly physical point of view, but frankly, it wasn't what they had been expecting, either.

"Since when do you have these, Joshua?" Gwen tried approaching the boy again, but he did not reply at all.

"They called me a monster," he wailed, rubbing his eyes.

Jack was about to protest, but he was beat to it.

"You're not a monster, Joshua," a voice spoke from behind them, "Whoever told you that will be green with envy once they see you flying above their heads."

Turning to the door in alarm, they saw a brown-haired man in a lab coat casually striding towards them.

Jack blinked. He couldn't deny he liked what he saw, but more importantly...hadn't he seen that man before?

"I'm sorry it took me so long to find you some chocolate," the stranger smiled as he handed the sweet to the sobbing boy, who began gulfing it down right away, and met Jack's eyes at last, "but then again, I didn't expect the men in black to arrive so quickly."

Jack arched an eyebrow. The man in front of him was blatantly ignoring both evacuation and quarantine orders, but obviously he had a good reason to. He had been looking after the boy even though everybody else was gone. No frightened child should be left on its own.

So rather than sending the man off, Jack chose to go along with his joke. "I'm glad you recognized us even though we forgot our sunglasses today," he grinned and extended his hand, "Captain Jack Harkness, MIB." Feeling Gwen's glare in his back, he added, "otherwise known as Torchwood."

"I know who you are," the stranger replied with a slight frown, but shook Jack's hand nonetheless, "Doctor John Smith."

"So you're Joshua's doctor," Owen drawled as he skimmed the contents of the patient's report he had meanwhile gathered from the boy's bedside, "but you're not the one who called us. As a matter of fact..." He glanced at the report once again. "You've failed to do so for several days."

John's expression grew serious as he motioned for them to follow him to a corner of the room where the boy was less likely to hear them over his quiet conversation with Gwen. "Frankly, this is a big misunderstanding," he stated bluntly, "and I apologize for the trouble. You were called by someone who does not understand the situation, but there is really nothing you can do here."

Owen looked scandalized. "What are you implying?" he demanded and motioned towards the boy grimacing as Gwen carefully reached for shoulder, "He's in pain. We need to _remove_ that parasite at once."

Sighing, John leant against one of the vacant chairs. "So you kill what you don't understand? This is what Torchwood does, is it?" he asked numbly and ran a hand through his hair.

"We're helping those who need us however way we can," Jack clarified, slightly aggravated, "and I'd welcome you to work _with_ us on this."

"Please read the report carefully, then," the doctor spoke, forcing himself to calm down, "all the readings indicate a symbiosis rather than a parasite."

Eyes widening, Owen stared at the report. His silence could only mean that he saw his own mistake.

"Of course you only just arrived, while I have been studying his development for a few days already," John went on, "The thing is, Joshua's been paraplegic since a car accident several years ago. Whatever creature has grown on his back is supporting his spine and reconnecting his nerves – which is also what causes his pain, but will subside eventually."  
Even Jack could barely believe what he was hearing.

"We don't know what it's really after," Ianto protested weakly, "Even if it's supporting him, we cannot tell what will happen once it's fully grown."

"At this point, neither Joshua nor his...wings can exist without the other," John informed them. "We're living in an age where we have to confront the existence of alien life, I'm pretty sure you of all people understand that, so why is it so hard to accept the idea that some of these foreign life forms are here to help?"

Looking from the doctor to his patient who had finally cried himself to sleep in an awkward Gwen's arms, Jack was speechless once again. "Are you sure about this?" he asked at last.

"I'm monitoring his progress," John replied softly, "I can send you updates if you need me to."

"Please do," Jack replied with a nod and motioned for his team to leave, "I can't believe we're already done here."

"I told you, it was a false alarm," John offered with a shrug.

Jack met the doctor's eye, and he could tell that in spite of his words, they were both thinking the same. Torchwood might have unintentionally killed the child by removing the alien. He trusted Owen would have discovered his mistake in time, but...

"Thank you," was all Jack could muster.

"You're welcome," John chuckled, "Contact me if I you ever need my help. I'm really interested in your work."

Not having expected that, Jack was even more surprised by the doctor's attitude. "Actually," he drawled with a sly grin, "I might take you up on this offer."

* * *

"Oh my god." Staring over John's shoulder, Gwen could not believe what she was seeing in his hands, "You're probably the worst poker player I've ever seen."

John's eyes widened slightly as he took what appeared to be his first conscious glance at the cards in his hand. "I can't believe I was confusing the rules again," he laughed in disbelief and admitted defeat by dropping the cards on the table.

"It's hard for me to believe a genius like you cannot remember some rules as simple as that," Owen, still in the game and apparently winning, commented with a sly grin.

"Oh cut him some slack, Owen," Jack chanted as he had to surrender as well, "We've all had a long day."

And it was true. The rift had run haywire, teleporting all kinds of foreign animals to Cardiff Bay. After hours of trying to find either reason or solution, he had been desperate enough to call John for help. The doctor might not be a specialist in the field, but he was disturbingly clever and very ingenious. As a result those few times Jack had consulted him, their brainstorming sessions had always led to a solution.

Much like this time.

Scanning the hub, Jack was surprised to find their new friend gathering his jacket. "I hate to spoil the evening, but I need to be awake tomorrow," he explained with an apologetic look.

Taking a deep breath, the Captain approached the other man. "Are you sure you don't want to join us?" he asked, "You would be a great addition to Torchwood."

But John simply shook his head. "It's the smiles of humans whom I helped recovering that keeps me going," he replied, "I don't think I can do without that." He met Jack's eye. "What is it that keeps _you_ going, Jack?"

Frankly, the Captain did not know what to answer. His reason was the same, somehow, wasn't it? But then again, his work at Torchwood was barely rewarding. Dangers, thrill and duty. But what was it driving him after all those years?

Along with memories that were as painful as they were motivating, a face appeared in his mind, of a man with large ears and a leather jacket. "I guess," he drawled, "maybe I'm really just doing that because of a mentor I want to impress."

Judging by his arched eyebrow, John had not expected that. "If it's any help," he chuckled good-naturedly, "you've impressed me quite a lot already."

His friend might have just been polite, and yet Jack's heart leapt up at those words.

But maybe...John had been more than polite in that moment.

It was true, Jack had been struggling to follow in the Doctor's footsteps. He was trying to make him, wherever he may be, proud by following his guidelines.

But in reality...the Doctor was not here.

Then again, did he really need the Doctor as badly as he had always told himself?

Forcing himself out of his reverie, Jack stared back at a questioning pair of brown eyes.

"You know, I've been wondering how to thank you for your continued support," he began with a sly grin and finally allowed himself to appreciate what he was seeing, "But unfortunately, I fear I can only repay you in drinks."

John's inquisitive expression melted into a slightly disbelieving smile. "I thought you'd never ask," he chuckled, causing Jack's grin to widen even further.

Why hadn't he noticed before now?

Jack had been so focused on pitying himself during his never-ending search for the Doctor...that he had failed to realize he had his own doctor right there waiting for him.

And he would be sure to make this _good_.

_Chapter 1 - End_

* * *

Notes: I'll be uploading the entire story as soon as I can, but feel free to tell me anything you dislike, like, whatever, as soon as it crosses your mind!


	2. Chapter 2

_Mininotes for consistency: The Cyberman Incident down below is really just a random one and does coincide with DW's season 2 finale. On another note, errr, let's just assume the events of Torchwood Season 1 happen throughout a longer time span._

* * *

_Neither with nor without you_

**Chapter 2**

So much blood...

All around him, people were hurt, dead or dying, yet as Jack sunk onto his knees on the familiar pavement atop of Torchwood, only one person was on his mind. "John," he all but pleaded as he lifted the broken form of his friend and lover into his arms, "talk to me!"

Blood and bruises had scarred the brunet's handsome features. And yet, in spite of those horrible injuries, he managed sending Jack one of those heartwarming smiles of his. "I guess it's time, then, is it?" John mused forlornly as he weakly reached up to caress the Captain's cheek.

"Thank you, Jack," he whispered and closed his eyes, "for everything."

Only when some of the blood on John's face was washed away by tears did Jack realize that he was crying. "You can't do that to me, you idiot," he whispered in a broken voice, pulling his lover close in a desperate attempt to squeeze the life back into him, "You promised to stay with me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

His heart skipped a beat as his treacherous mind dared hoping for the impossible. Ever so carefully, afraid to break even more of this painfully fragile human body, Jack finally released his lover from his death grip.

Only to find John scrutinizing him from amidst the bedsheets with a curious expression.

Blinking, Jack could barely believe it.

No wound, no blood, only the wonderful view that had been greeting him every morning for a while. Just as the Captain allowed himself to grin in sheer relief at the fact that none of it had been real, John's expression softened.

"A nightmare, huh?" the brunet mused and reached out to stroke Jack's hair as he was pulled into another hug.

"It doesn't matter," Jack insisted, trying to reassure himself, too, as he rested his chin on his lover's shoulder, taking immense pleasure in every breath, every heartbeat, every everything that indicated that, yes, John was still safe and sound and so very alive, "Because I won't allow you to go anywhere, either."

John sighed at his lover's neediness, but as ever so often, he chose to go along with it and simply kept comforting him.

And Jack was so very grateful for that.

He had been disappointed the brunet had not joined his team, per say, but that had not stopped him from falling for the man. On the contrary; due to John not being involved with Jack's everyday business, at least most of the time, their time together had a wonderfully comforting effect on Jack.

Much like Gwen had Rhys, the Captain had found a safe haven in John, and for once...he could barely even believe how lucky he had gotten.

* * *

Back in the old days, Jack had called the Hub his home. But before he knew it, he found himself carrying a wardrobe into John's apartment that was meant to harbor his own clothes.

For whatever reason, Jack had decided to move in with his lover.

No, strike that, he had chosen to for any reason imaginable.

What they had was great, and lifting a heavy wardrobe up some storeys was just another step on the stairway to heaven.

"Jack, you can put it down now," John informed him from the other side of the cardboard box, and the Captain was more than happy to comply. Unfortunately, though, he failed to mind the position of his feet and released a loud howl as a hundred pounds of wood landed on his toes.

"Jack!"

John was at his side in an instant, lifting the package enough for Jack to free his throbbing right foot. "This'll hurt for a while," the Captain grumbled unhappily, shaking his foot with a pained yelp as if that would help.

The doctor, meanwhile, looked more concerned. "This will take more than a while," he informed Jack as he steadied him whilst ushering him towards the couch in the living room, "I'm pretty sure I heard a bone breaking."

Jack's breath caught for a moment as realization struck.

That short observation was all it took, huh?

They had been happy together, but this single mistake of his reminded him of the painful truth.

They could be happy for the moment, but in the end...it would not last.

They might spend decades together, but John would age. Eventually, he would die, leaving Jack all alone again.

A heavy lump formed in the Captain's throat, and the inquisitive glance he was receiving did not help at all. As Jack had allowed himself to drown in his impeding misery, he had not even bothered trying to keep John from examining his foot – which had, of course, completely healed in the meantime.

"You know," John began thoughtfully as he placed Jack's foot on the couch and sat down next to him with a strange expression on his face, "ever since I met you, I've been wondering what makes you so different. At first I thought I was just imagining things. After all, you've always felt familiar somehow even though I'd never seen you before."

Hesitantly, _fearfully_, Jack arched an eyebrow as John heaved a sigh. "But it's not just that," the latter went on and leant against his lover's shoulder, "There's always been something intriguingly _off_ about you." He paused briefly and continued with another sigh, "but I guess I still didn't expect you to recover from such damage almost instantly."

The tension in his shoulders was far from gone, but Jack felt strangely grateful. "You're taking this better than I expected," he admitted.

John met his eyes. "How long do you already have this ability?" he inquired in polite curiosity, "Did you acquire it through Torchwood, or have you been born with it?"

Jack gulped. Just as he had feared, they were getting to the hard part. Carrying an eternity on your shoulders was one thing, yet he was not sure whether he had the heart to burden John with something as horrifying as that.

For a brief moment, he considered prolonging their delusion with some Redcon, but dismissed that thought at once. By the rules, he should have erased John's memories after any of their meetings. But even if he wasn't madly in love with him, the doctor had proven too valuable an ally for them to even dare abusing his trust like that.

But _because_ he was madly in love with the man, Jack could not just lie, either. "I was born a normal human," he explained at last and pulled his lover closer to continue in a mere whisper, "but I've been like this for two hundred years already."

As John gasped softly, Jack closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," the immortal whispered, "I didn't mean to hide my condition from you," His voice lowered even further, "I've been trying to forget it myself. I don't want _us _to ever end."

Hugging back, John replied softly, "Neither do I."

* * *

He never got how John could be so understanding. Whenever something new came up, sometimes even before the actual Torchwood members had finished stomaching those new strange phenomena, the doctor would accept facts and act upon them.

Jack's immortality was no exception – John had simply nodded and accepted it as if he had been suspecting it in the first place, returning to his daily routine as if his lover had not just turned out to be a freak of nature.

As a matter of fact, Jack was grateful that nothing had changed. They could keep up their wonderful lives for a while longer.

Yet when he walked into the living room to find John staring off into the distance, he realized that not everything had stayed the same. The brunet had been doing that before – every once in a while, he would drift off, thinking deeply without even noticing his surroundings anymore.

Ever since Jack's revelation, though, he did it much more frequently. Worse yet, it was growing harder and harder to gain his attention. This time, only snatching the fob watch John had been fiddling with had the desired effect.

Blinking, the brunet frowned at Jack. "In a way, the fear of losing loved ones does explain your dreams," he spoke out of the blue, continuing a conversation they had had days ago, "even though they might as well be actual visions after all." He grimaced briefly before meeting Jack's eyes with a compassionate expression, "It must be hard, seeing everybody come and go."

Jack's face softened. It wasn't so much the truth in those words that touched him, but the gesture in itself. So he really was on his lover's mind all the time, huh? "It gets easier," he whispered fondly, "And as long as you stay with me, it's definitely worth it."

Albeit hesitantly, John smiled at last, "I'll do my best."

"So now that you know about my secrets, let's talk about some of yours," Jack drawled with a predatory grin and started examining the fob watch still in his grasp, "This, for example. It's possibly the only item in this household that's older than, what, five years?"

John blinked. "What is?"

Jack frowned and lifted his hand, "The fob watch." He'd only meant to use it to lighten the mood, but now that he had gotten to the topic, he had never really asked about it even though he had seen it in John's hand rather often.

Much to his confusion, though, the brunet frowned at it as if he was seeing it for the first time. "Oh, this," he drawled, "I didn't realize I still even have it."

Now Jack was even more confused. "But you keep holding onto it like an heirloom," he commented and examined the intricate pattern, "It definitely looks valuable."

Still, John shrugged it off. "I don't know, really, it's just always been there, and it's never worked, either," he explained nonchalantly and arched an eyebrow as an idea struck him, "But since you're so interested in it, why don't you keep it?"

Confused even further, Jack opened his mouth to protest, but was caught in chaste kiss instead.

"You've entrusted me with the truth about you, but I barely have anything to offer you in exchange," John explained and cast another strange look at the pocket watch still in Jack's hand, "boringly enough, this _might_ as well be my biggest secret, so better make sure to keep it safe."

As John was grinning, Jack was speechless.

He was sure the watch meant more to John than he let on – which was all the more reason to accept his trust. Thus he pocketed the watch and whispered with a fond smile, "I will."

* * *

Even though John had diagnosed those dreams as a projection of Jack's deepest fears, the Captain had made sure not to let any of his team members set a foot on the square above, ever.

He knew he could not see the future, and he knew he was being superstitious, but with all the strange happenings around them, even _knowing_ something meant nothing at all.

Due to his dreams, he had expected his worst fears to happen, if ever, where he _knew_ it would happen: up above.

Not in a manufacturing hall.

John was supposed to be a bloody mess.

Not a man walking with a bullet in his stomach.

This was not his dream, thus John could not die.

"Don't make such a face," the doctor demanded as he straightened and walked up next to him with a bit of a limp he tried to hide rather desperately, "It barely even graced me."

Jack grimaced, but he did not contradict. He had seen the wound, and he knew from experience how much it had to hurt – and yet, John was trying hard not to show it.

Because they still had a mission to accomplish. They only had a vague idea of how to get rid of the cybermen still, yet they had to do something about it, no matter what. "Just hang in there," he demanded and added a soft promise, "I'll figure something out."

He was trying to reassure both of them, but in truth... his promises were no good.

And John's condition was deteriorating more quickly than he had anticipated. Just as another robot patrol rounded the corner, a sudden fit of coughs sent the brunet cowering on the ground with Jack kneeling next to him.

Had they crouched down a moment later, the bullets would have hit them directly. Had John not stumbled behind a crate, they would have been toast in an instant. Jack's eyes widened. Had they been lucky enough or...

"Accept your upgrade," the squad's leader droned, "or you will be deleted."

Even with the heavy footsteps approaching them steadily, Jack barely even heard them. Something did not fit, but more importantly...John was watching him in a pained grimace as he was holding his stomach with a hand that was already fully covered in blood. "We're vastly outnumbered, Jack, and I can barely even walk," he pointed out numbly, "We only stand a chance if you proceed without me. As much as I hate to say that, I'm more useful to you if I find a hiding place instead of holding you back."

Hearing those words, Jack's heart broke a little. Those were gentle words to put it – but he was pretty sure there was no way the _human_ would be able to hide from these enemies. "We do this together or not at all," Jack ground out.

"Do _what _together?" John replied bitterly, "We haven't figured out a way to outwit them, and I..." He closed his eyes, "I don't think we will...not like this, and certainly not in time for all these people to survive this ordeal. I'm holding you back, so please listen for once."

Jack ground his teeth. Why was the man being so stubborn? "Don't worry about that now," he demanded in agitation, "Before anything else, I'll get you out of here. Even if we can't save the Earth, the Doctor will."

That actually got a chuckle out of John, if only a dry one...which quickly turned into another cough. "That mysterious friend of yours," he drawled and reached for Jack cheek, "Has he ever come for you when you needed him?"

As another painful bang registered in Jack's heart, his lover's hand lowered without ever reaching his skin. Rather, it traced the chain that was hanging around the Captain's neck to the fob watch he had taken on safekeeping close to his heart so very long ago.

"The Doctor will come," Jack insisted, positioning himself in front of John just in time to face a cyberman who was only going to ask them one last time.

He would stand up to them.

He would play along with them until he found an opening.

He would kill them all and return everyone to safety.

But first of all, he had to save his lover...even though he still had no idea how.

"Bring me to the cyber king," John suddenly announced as he struggled back to his feet, "I have important information...regarding a flaw in the upgrading process." Much to a baffled Jack's dismay, he even had the nerve to step forward.

"There is no flaw in the upgrading process," the cyberman replied tonelessly.

John inhaled deeply. "Then why has it failed with this man?" he asked, nodding towards Jack. The immortal's eyes widened. What kind of brilliant bluff was _that_?

Just as he started to see where this was going, though, the cyberman aimed his gun at him. "He is incompatible."

"No, he is not," John ground out just in time, "With just minimal adjustments to the upgrading routine...the target group can be enhanced tremendously. We'll need him for testing."

Thankfully, that was enough. "The cyber king will hear your words," the robot spoke, turned on his heels and led the way.

Meanwhile, Jack still could not believe what he had just witnessed. Breathing rather heavily, John was looking at him. "Can you sneak off?" he whispered as he readied himself to somehow walk, "I need you to cut the power supply."

Jack was at a loss. He had no idea how to protect his lover in this situation, even though he had sworn to, but it looked as if he had a plan, albeit not a good one. It was their best bet, though, and maybe, just maybe, it was time for Jack to trust his friend rather than patronize him all the time. He wanted to protest, he wanted details, but all he could muster was, "John, what the hell."

"I'm talking to them." As he started limping after their enemies, the brunet replied with a sad smile, "Isn't that what the Doctor would do?"

Jack's eyes widened.

It was exactly what the Doctor would do.

Either too lucky or too clever to be true, the Doctor would just keep running, laughing in the face of danger and spiting the odds, saving everyone by doing the impossible without ever revealing how he managed pulling something off that could never have worked.

That was what the Doctor would have done.

And miraculously, it was what John ended up doing.

* * *

Three weeks later, most of the damage had been repaired and the media had grown tired of the incident.

However, it still kept plaguing Jack's mind.

Leaning back in his chair, he glanced around his office, thinking. Paperwork, various questionable items...yet lastly, as ever so often, his gaze landed on a jar that held a hand.

He gulped.

In a way, the Doctor had saved them again – but in a different way. By even mentioning the time lord, Jack had triggered their success...at a price.

John had taken everything quite well, but not good enough to even mention how he had overcome the threat.

Asides from his own experience of following the initial instructions and some vague information from Gwen, Jack never found out how exactly John had found out about the hidden safety mechanism that forbade the cybermen to harm humans altogether, let alone how he activated it.

But for the first time in a relationship of nearly seven years, he did not dare questioning him.

John had bluffed their way out of a hopeless situation, because Jack had needed someone to play the part of the Doctor.

But...that was not John at all.

Chapter 2 - End


	3. Chapter 3

Neither with nor without you

**Chapter 3**

"I guess it's time, is it?"

Jack bit his lip. It was John's voice speaking, but it could not be.

"Thank you, Jack, for everything."

Jack fought his tears. It was John's hand that caught them as they escaped his eyes at last, but... it could not be.

"You can't do this," the immortal all but begged, "You promised to stay with me."

Jack inhaled shakily. Those were John's pained eyes looking up at him through a veil of red, but it could not be...for he could not be dying. He was not allowed to.

"I'm not going anywhere," John replied softly as he lowered his shaky hand to Jack's chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat for several moments before reaching for the chain hanging around his neck, "I'll just be different."

"But you won't be yourself anymore," Jack whispered, and his voice broke at the sight of his lover's expression.

"I've never been myself, Jack."

Jack's eyes widened, and he gasped for air as he shot up from the bed he was somehow lying in. Still breathing heavily, he reached out for the other half of the bed, hoping desperately to find it as occupied as he knew it had to be.

But John was not there.

He started panicking, and after several frantic seconds his eyes finally adapted to the dark room...focusing on a sole figure standing at the window.

"John!" Jack exclaimed in sheer relief as he struggled out of the sheets. He was too happy to worry much over the fact his lover did not react at once – when he arrived at his side, John was already blinking back at him in slight surprise. "We should make our next anniversary the best one ever," he pointed out, still distracted enough not to even notice his lover's condition.

As he was still quite troubled by a dream that was slowly fading from his memory, it took Jack a while to catch up on his lover's sudden suggestion. Finally, his features softened. "It's already been seven years, has it?" he mused as he hugged John from behind to share his view of Cardiff's bay-side at dawn. "Seriously, though, I think you're right," he added with a sly smile, "But I can't promise the anniversary after that won't even better. At the very least, it should be equally good."

He felt John chuckling softly as he leant into the embrace. "I'm looking forward to all of that, then."

* * *

Whilst only with a bit of convincing, Jack's team had finally decided to spare him for a couple of days.

And even though John had been talking about having a good time together for a while, Jack had not expected he would enjoy this quite as much, especially since neither of them had really bothered preparing this trip very carefully.

But there he was, lying next to the man he loved on a queen-sized bed underneath a ceiling made of glass, staring up at a million stars that seemed to be shining brightly just for them after a day that had been perfect.

For a single, brilliant day, they had gone out, walked around, talked and laughed just like any other couple. For once, they had not bothered worrying about Torchwood, saving the world, or anybody else. They had spent the entire day simply enjoying each other's presence, and it had been so _good_.

As he heard his lover shifting next to him, he turned his head to marvel at his handsome features. Yet his gaze traveled to the white bandage on his friend's abdomen that covered a wound that had not even closed yet.

It had been weeks since the cybermen had tried taking over, but the injury reminded Jack of his worries every time he saw it. But...did he really have the heart to spoil the mood like that?

Moving without thinking, he leant over to place a soft kiss on the skin around the wound.

"What...are you doing," John demanded in a strangled voice, squirming a bit.

"What does it look like?" Jack murmured as he gently pulled his lover close again, "I'm kissing you better."

Of course he knew he could not literally do that...but he could try, couldn't he?

"I can think of better ways to utilize that mouth of yours, you know," John remarked slyly.

Highly intrigued, Jack arched an eyebrow and met his lover's eyes. He was more than willing to follow his wink, but he could not ignore the uneasiness that had suddenly taken a firm hold on his heart. All to soon, he saw John's face falling slightly due to his hesitation. The harm had already been done, so Jack decided he could as well kill the mood altogether.

"Would you do that again, though?" he whispered, his voice even less audible than he had intended but much louder than he dared, "Would you push your luck just because I fail to solve the problem?" He lowered his head, but the resolution returned to his voice, "Because I sure as hell won't disappoint you ever again."

Sighing deeply, John fully sat up and pushed Jack back onto the mattress to force a needy kiss onto his lips. "Failure is a part of being human, Jack," he stated adamantly and leant forward to continue in a whisper, "but don't worry. If such a situation arises ever again, we don't need to push our luck."

He placed a kiss on Jack's neck.

"We _will_ be lucky."

* * *

They had spent an amazing day.

They had spent an amazing night.

Unfortunately, that had barely left any room for sleep. Nonetheless Jack felt strangely refreshed as he joined his lover on the patio for a very late breakfast. "It's really too soon for you to end up in a midlife crisis," he joked as he sat down without John even noticing.

Blinking, the brunet looked up at him. "How good of you to mention that."

Frankly, Jack thought John had been enjoying the scenery, but of course he had been daydreaming again...which he had been doing even more often lately. Maybe Jack really had hit a sore spot with his comment, even if unintentionally? After all, something had been troubling John lately, so maybe this was a good opportunity. "Do you mind talking?" he asked carefully, reaching for his lover's hand to stress his intention.

John looked at their hands intertwining and met Jack's eyes in slight bemusement. "Not at all," he said and smiled apologetically, "It's overdue anyway, but I hope you'll forgive me for enjoying our relationship before words and circumstances...happen."

Jack's eyes widened.

"...What?"

He had intended to talk for reassurance, not because he had suspected a crack in their relationship...or worse.

What the hell?

Jack knew he was growing pale, and apparently John noticed, too. Smiling warmly, he took the immortal's hand into his own and stroked in gently. "You know that I love you, no matter what, right?" he assured him.

Gulping, Jack did not feel any better. "And I love you."

Pondering, John chuckled, "I really don't know how to say this, so let me just tell you a story instead." He inhaled deeply and began, "Once upon a time, there was a man who was impossibly old...and impossibly lonely. He kept making friends and lovers, but he would always outlive them." Breaking their eye contact, John looked back at the scenery. Jack, meanwhile, could not tear his gaze off his lover's features. They had discussed and...accepted their different life spans...hadn't they?

All too quickly and entirely unbidden, Jack's thoughts returned to a wound that healed unnaturally slowly. John wasn't dying, was he?

"He kept struggling to deal with the losses, but in the end, he stopped trying altogether," the brunet went on, "They would come and go, but the pain would prevail. One day, when he stood within a scenery much like this one and failed to appreciate its beauty, he realized he had forgotten how to be happy." Sighing, he tore his gaze off the flowery meadow to meet a skeptical Jack's eyes again. "It was the same day he decided to strip away the bitterness and try living the life of a human."

His lover's eyes were saying so much, but Jack failed to understand them. "What..."

Inhaling deeply, John lowered his gaze to the table, where their fingers were still intertwined. "There's a reason why the hand in your jar looks exactly like mine," he offered quietly.

And finally, the penny dropped.

Jack inhaled deeply. By this point, all the oxygen on the planet did not suffice to dampen his confusion. Surely John was joking...right?

But...

He was right about the jar.

"You're the Doctor," he summarized numbly, seeking his lover's eyes for any reaction.

The brunet's gaze, however, was fixed on the table. "I'm John Smith," he stressed at once, but hesitated to elaborate. "Quite literally per definition," he added after a while and chuckled humorlessly, "Even though I don't want it to be true, I'm really just a projection of the Doctor's mind onto a human brain. If it weren't for the cybermen incident, I would never even have learnt that much." Leaning back at last, he sighed deeply, but still refused to meet Jack's eyes. "I guess on that notion, you're right with the midlife crisis," he commented dryly, "This human body has still about forty years before dying a natural death, but won't survive our current life style as long as that anyway."

"John," Jack interrupted him. But the brunet kept talking, "Considering we will need the Doctor's expertise even before that untimely end, those ten actual years I've had so far might even be as far as it goes."

"John." The chair fell to the ground as Jack got up to pull his lover into an embrace tight enough to squeeze some sense back into him. "I'm not letting you go anytime soon. Actually, never." He gritted his teeth, "You promised to stay with me."

Inhaling deeply, John replied in a flat whisper, "...did I?"

Jack's breath caught for a moment as he realized his lover was right. There had not been a promise like that – at least not in reality. Or maybe, not _yet_. Nonetheless, Jack had taken that for fact value, for he had addressed that very promise so often during his nightmares.

"I can't make such a vow," John added without taking notice of Jack's sudden turmoil, "But I can guarantee that I'll stay with you...as long as possible."

Gulping, Jack pulled away to stare at the man he loved.

It was strange, really.

He had just been told that somehow, John and the man he had been searching for centuries were the same person after all...and yet so very different. In a way, the Doctor had become his doctor...probably even without realizing it.

A whole lot of questions were flooding his mind at that notion. How was this even possible? What had the time lord been thinking? Worse yet, what was John thinking? Even with all the horrible experiences he had already gone through, Jack was having a hard time imagining what it must feel like to find out you are not the man you thought you were. But John could not be as fake as he seemed to believe, could he? Everything they had lived through together had been real, and for that reason, he could not just deny his own worth. No matter what circumstances arose, Jack could never stop loving him. John was John, but... What would happen to John if the Doctor ever decided to change back?

Inhaling deeply, Jack dared trusting his voice again. "You know, out of all the things you just said," he whispered in a shaky voice as he reached for John's hand and gently kissed it, "it's the thought of losing you that really terrifies me." He looked up again. "You've proven so often that you're a great person and an even better lover, so if anything, finding out you're not just an ordinary human makes you even more special to me."

Although barely visible, a small smile appeared on John's features – but only briefly so, as it was soon replaced by another frown. "But..." he spoke hesitantly, "Don't you love the Doctor, too?"

It was an important question, but Jack did not even have to think about it, for he had found his answer long ago. "I love the Doctor because he inspires me throughout time and space," he clarified and smiled as he squeezed John's hand, "You, on the other hand, are right here with me, right here where I _need you_." His smile grew warmer. "No matter who, no matter what, I would not trade this for the world...not even for the Doctor, but thankfully, he seems to want you happy nearly as much as I do anyway."

John failed to reply altogether, but judging by his expression, Jack had said the right thing. "And I mean what I just said," he added seriously, "I want, no, I _need_ you to be happy, and I will make sure of that." His words were genuine, and as soon as his brain realized what he was saying, he found himself kneeling in front of _his_ doctor, "So marry me already, John."

A single tear rolled out of John's eye as he replied with a wide smile. "I thought you'd never ask."

Chapter 3 - End


	4. Chapter 4

_Mininote: I've been wondering whether to include the year that never was into this, but since it makes things much more, err, interesting, here we are._

* * *

Neither with nor without you

**Chapter 4**

"You promised to stay with me," Jack pleaded as he sunk onto his knees.

But in truth...it was him who had broken that promise first.

He had never meant to leave.

**365 days ago**

"You said John has to work today, didn't you?" Gwen asked after a brief glance at the CCTV, "So what's he doing outside, with a pretty girl no less?"

Startled, Jack followed her gaze, yet unlike her, he noticed the difference at once – in spite of such a deep frown, that face was still just as handsome, and yet... "That's not John," he stated blankly, and that simple realization terrified him greatly. Dashing out of the Hub without any further explanations, he hastily dialed a number he knew by heart.

"Jack?" he heard John replying in quite a stressed voice, "I'm busy right now, can it wait?"

The immortal's breath hitched. "You're yourself," he rasped in utter relief, "That's all I needed to know."

John hesitated, but as ever so often, he caught on too quickly for his own good. "Don't go with him, Jack," he spoke quietly.

The immortal frowned. It was true he intended to meet the Doctor, for he needed some answers John could not provide. The time lord's consciousness within the fob watch, on the other hand, would only reply in an utter emergency, and even then no information beyond immediate necessity was exchanged. As such, Jack could only hope for answers by meeting an actual time lord version of the Doctor, and as luck would have it, he might be about to finally get his first chance after a century of waiting. "I'm not going with him, I just need to talk," he reassured his lover through the phone, "I'll be back before you know it."

When he finally reached the Tardis sitting in its usual refueling spot, though, it was just about to depart. Had he paid closer attention to the signs, he would have realized that he was going to be dragged along into the Vortex. Alas, he had not.

He had never meant to leave.

* * *

**335 days ago.**

It was a fun adventure, he had to admit as much. He had not been running like that in a long time, and in a way, he had missed that a lot. During their trip to the end of the universe, he suddenly remembered with unsettling intensity what had made him fall in love with the Doctor in the first place.

It was the fact that he could never have him anyway.

The time lord was charming, and he was brilliant, and he was handsome. But he was absolutely and utterly unreachable. Neither Jack nor the pretty young lady named Martha understood how Rose could ever have managed winning the Doctor's heart.

But it was not as if he needed to know. Not any longer. These were old wounds and longings he had to face at some point, but he had moved on since then. He no longer needed the Doctor's affirmation, at least not _this_ Doctor's, for he had found something far better.

But that did not mean it did not hurt to be scrutinized from a distance by eyes he loved so much – and to be told he was wrong in his very nature by a voice that had always steadied him.

This Doctor and his doctor, so alike and yet so very different.

He still loved the time lord, and he always would, but all the adventures he could experience at his side would never weigh up to his simple yet beautiful life with John.

Jack might have stranded at the end of the universe, but...

He had never meant to leave.

* * *

**331 days ago**

A fob watch, much similar to the one Jack was carrying wherever he went, had triggered their current misery – and unless they figured out how to fight the Prime Minister himself, they would soon be facing a major catastrophe.

Worse yet...

The Master had found Martha's family – what if he had found John?

Sure enough, he did not answer his phone. Then again, though, there were no reports of him being taken into custody, either, so hopefully he had seen the signs and gone into hiding before his lover had become the third-most wanted criminal in the country.

"John Harkness?" he heard Martha gasping as she glanced over his shoulder onto the screen, "Don't tell me you're really related to the most celebrated practising physician of our age!"

Slightly surprised, Jack grinned back. "And he's the most handsome one, too," he told her and flashed the golden ring on his left hand proudly.

With her eyebrows shooting upwards, she had clearly not expected that kind of relationship.

Then again, Jack had not exactly expected her to recognize his husband's name, either. With the problems they were dealing with at Torchwood, he often forgot that John was just as good with humans as he was with aliens. Within the medical community, he had become quite a celebrity – to the point where even most medical students had heard his name somewhere before.

"Wow," Martha was struggling with her words and shook her head, "I mean, wow. I've been trying to get an internship with him for years and you're...wow."

Blinking, Jack could not help himself. "Well, _my_ internship with him is quite an applied one..." he drawled lazily, missing the other man even more now that he was actually talking about him.

Strangely enough, he barely even realized what he had said before he noticed Martha blushing horribly. Finally, it was the Doctor's words from where he was fiddling with the Tardis keys that broke the silence, "Jack, _behave_."

Chuckling, Jack scratched the back of his head. "Seriously, though," he promised. "Once we make it out of this, I'll introduce you – assuming I'll somehow be able to contact him..." Trailing off, he glared at his phone before adding with a smile, "I'm sure he'll take quite a liking to you."

Martha was speechless for a moment. "Thank you, Jack," she replied with a hesitant smile and sat back again, "So what's he like? Aside from his achievements, there's really not that much public information on him as a person. I haven't even found any pictures yet."

Frowning, Jack pondered his answer for a moment. How much could he tell her? Worse yet, how much could he allow the Doctor to hear? He still had not been able to find out John and the Doctor's chronological order, so any information given might be pushing his luck. But then again, he was not willing to have a discussion about his love life with a time lord version of his husband that clearly had no interest in him as such anyway.

As a matter of fact, the Doctor had expressed a certain repulsion.

….and it hurt Jack more than he cared to admit. Was this where his relationship with John was ultimately headed? Would he turn his back on Jack as soon as he became a time lord again?

Clearing his throat, Jack tried to bring his mind back to the present. Martha was still waiting for her answer, and if he really was about to introduce her to John, he would have to prepare her somehow anyway. So, how to do that without giving too much away?

"Well," he drawled, "John's clever, he's kind, and he's often talking about everything and nothing at the same time." Pausing briefly, he added, "Actually, if I were to compare him to someone, the Doctor's like him in many aspects." Peeking at the time lord, he could not help teasing him a bit, and thus added, "but of course, John's so much more handsome, much more patient, and he really isn't quite as full of himself."

"Oy!" the Doctor interrupted, scandalized.

"And he's grown a really gorgeous beard," Jack added with a wink at the time lord who was finally paying proper attention to them, "you should try that too, it would suit you."

Not entirely consciously, the Doctor rubbed his chin. "I don't think I should," he replied with a frown and cleared his throat, "Just to get that straight." His frown deepened. "You married a man...who's like me."

Blinking, Jack realized he might have given away a bit too much after all – not about John, but about himself. "I've only just met this regeneration of you, so it's really more accurate to say that _you're_ like _him_," he replied lamely, stressing the order because he really disliked thinking of John as the Doctor's lookalike, "There's a difference."

The time lord rolled his eyes, but sent him a smile. "I'm happy for you, Jack," he stated sincerely, "No matter how much you go through, you should never forget to enjoy life."

As the Doctor resumed working, Jack stared at him in barely concealed surprise.

Why...did he suddenly feel so guilty? Opening his mouth to reply, Jack failed to find the right words to do so.

_Speak for yourself, Doctor._

* * *

**323 days ago**

Ten years ago, he would have sacrificed anything to help the Doctor.

He would have faced never-ending torture, awaiting that one moment of carelessness that would allow him to free both himself and the Doctor from the Master's clutches.

In trying to save him, he would have died a thousand deaths for the time lord.

But even though he had been aged beyond recognition, the Doctor had a plan – and so did Jack...at least basically.

As the Master was laughing hysterically at his own victory, he had not even noticed the immortal returning from the dead once more.

This might be his only chance, and thus...

"Martha, now!" ...he _ran_.

He reached her just in time.

Before they knew it, they found themselves toppling out of the dimensional tunnel, gasping for air, out of immediate danger's reach.

"We'll save them," he told her, still breathing hard as he marveled at the brilliant sky above, "We'll save them all."

Now more than ever, there was work to be done. He might still end up dying a thousand times in this battle, but at least he would be doing that to save _his_ doctor.

* * *

**303 days ago.**

The Toclafane, how could he have forgotten about them?

Or rather, it wasn't that he had forgotten them – he had simply underestimated them.

A lot.

After he had shoved Martha into the elevator, his body had managed blocking the aliens' assault just long enough for the doors to close.

For the moment at least, she was safe – but she would also be on her own from now on.

He could barely even see, let alone think or run. His legs, either broken or entirely cut off, he could not even tell, had stopped supporting him altogether, which left him with little more than the dreary outlook of blood gushing out of his forearm as it lay motionless on the pavement, blocking the majority of his vision.

Now that...would take a while to heal.

Hopefully, Martha would be alright.

They could not fail here, not when their mission had only just started – for crying out loud, they had not even reached Cardiff yet!

Finally, and rather forcefully so, his lungs sucked in all the air they could get. So he was recovering at last, was he? But...it felt different.

It had almost felt like...an electromagnetic impulse.

And...judging from the metallic noise that could very well have been caused by two Toclafane hitting the ground, it might have been just that.

Relief washed over him as footfalls indicated the arrival of at least a dozen rebels.

"We're too late," one of them stated quietly upon checking, and failing to discover, Jack's barely existent pulse.

He would have gasped if he had been able to – he would have shown any kind of reaction simply because he needed them to realize he was still alive somehow.

Surely...they would not just leave him there, would they?

"I'll take care of him," another voice answered, growing louder with every step its owner took, "Please find Miss Jones."

Inwardly, Jack was beaming. He knew that voice.

"I'm sorry, John," the first rebel whispered before taking off down the stairs.

Meanwhile, a sight dearly missed was returning to Jack. He knew those shoes, he knew those hands and...as his neck was finally relocated to a more natural position, but primarily because he finally caught sight of his husband's face, his voice finally returned to him. "Oh god, you're beautiful," he rasped, choked on his words and coughed heavily.

Sighing softly, with a strained yet good-natured smile, John continued rearranging his lover's tangled limbs to ensure a quick recovery before placing a chaste kiss on bloodied lips. "I've missed you, too."

* * *

**302 days ago.**

Given the horrible circumstances of their reunion, Jack was grateful he had at one point during the last month of their twosome travel bothered explaining to Martha that his husband was, in fact, not just similar to the Doctor, but in a way the Doctor himself.

All things considered, she had taken it quite well.

If anything was bothering her about John, it was probably the subtle but important differences between human and time lord. He was talking more calmly, he was smiling more sincerely, and he was more relaxed in most respects. In exchange for that, though, he lacked skills and knowledge no human could have – but a time lord would.

John _was not the Doctor –_ and in times as dire as these, even Jack could not keep himself from hoping that somehow, the time lord's ingenuity would shine through and make John save the day once again.

"He's given me – us – quite an arduous task," Martha explained, still trying to get used to the difference without being rude about it, "We have to travel the world in order to –"

"Martha," John interrupted her, "Please don't continue."

Her expression froze. "What?" she asked.

Jack's face, on the other hand, lit up. "You already know what's going to happen, do you?" he prompted, "As before, he's somehow leaked the most crucial information to you?"

With an apologetic frown, John shook his head. "I know you're going to live," he stated, "But I also know I as a person cannot fight on the front lines with you."

He might have just found out they would somehow succeed somewhen, and yet Jack's face fell, too.

"Meeting another version of yourself is always risky, but if that happens to me and the Doctor with the paradox machine running, this entire realm will be torn apart." John explained, "It's a miracle the Master hasn't yet found the truth about me. Once he does, though, the consequences will be...dire, to say the least."

Hesitating, Martha was choosing her words carefully, "But we need you to support us."

"That's exactly what I am going to do. I will keep paving your way within the resistance," John replied firmly, "But I must ask you to only tell me what I need to know – because I am not the Doctor and, frankly, he did not design me to be a soldier." He took a deep breath before adding, "If Jack, or you, or anybody I care about gets tortured in front of my eyes, _I will yield_."

* * *

**1 day ago.**

So far, so good.

In spite of Martha's initial hesitation, John had proven most helpful where the Doctor might have failed miserably, yet where they needed it the most: in ensuring their supplies on food and weaponry as well as organizing their travels.

It had been three hundred days, and they had spread the word as far as they could before returning to Cardiff at last.

Only another month, and this nightmare would finally come to an end.

Hopefully.

"Once the paradox is broken, what happens next?" Jack wondered on their first evening back at the first rebel shelter they had encountered all those months ago. Considering he had doubted they would even make it once around the globe and back, he had not often bothered thinking any further than spreading the word – but of course, revitalizing the Doctor himself would not suffice. They would have to regain the Tardis, too.

"The Toclafane will disappear, won't they?" Martha replied and lowered her gaze, "But that won't bring back the dead."

"Actually, it will," John piped up, "time will rewind all the way back to when the paradox was created."

Martha's eyes widened. "It will be as if nothing had happened?"

John nodded softly. "Most deaths will be undone," he stated, "If we get that far, that is."

* * *

**Today.**

Why?

Why the hell had the Master ordered the Toclafane to massacre every single human located at Cardiff Bay?

Why the hell hadn't Jack been there when Gwen had called for help?

Why, for heaven's sake, had John gone to Torchwood?

"You promised to stay with me," Jack pleaded, cradling his lover in his arms. John was covered in cuts and bruises, bleeding profusely...and fading so very quickly. But he could not – he was not allowed to. He had a promised to keep.

...but in truth, it was Jack who had broken that promise first. Even though he had never meant to, he _had_ run off with the Doctor. But he still had any right to demand John to stay, didn't he?

Didn't he?

"I'm not going anywhere," John whispered as he rested his shivering hand on Jack's chest, as if to ensure at least one of them would be alright, "I'll just be different."

"But you won't be yourself anymore," Jack rasped breathlessly.

"I've never been myself, Jack," John smiled sadly, his hand traveling down a chain around the immortal's neck without ever reaching it's destination.

"That never kept me from loving you, did it?" Jack whispered, and as he followed his lover's resigned gaze...his heart broke.

No.

The fob watch.

No.

Where had it gone?

_No._

Jack's breath hitched.

No.

"You know how to..." John whispered and closed his eyes, "save me, Jack."

The immortal stared at him with wide, teary eyes.

No.

No.

No!

Dazed and desperate, Jack tightened his embrace as he started crying against his lover's shoulder.

All the while, John was smiling softly, but his eyes stayed shut...and his heart had stopped beating.

* * *

**Eventually.**

Jack was not doing well.

He was not doing well at all.

He had often wondered what he would do without John, but he had always expected he would somehow be able to reawaken the Doctor in the process. He had not expected to lose him altogether.

But he had.

The fob watch, loosening itself from a chain it had stuck to for years mere hours before it was needed, had failed to meet its very purpose...and yet the Doctor supposedly hidden within it refused to respond even now.

Maybe, in letting his body die, Jack had unwillingly killed the time lord, too – and even if that was the case, even if he had any way of finding out, he doubted he could ever feel any worse.

Days came and went, and he grew number with any passing moment.

He grew reckless, but worse, he grew unforgiving.

By the time of the final hour, he was ready to murder the Master on the very spot.

But the sight of the Doctor reminded him of the fact that he had been living for this very moment. For the sole purpose of rewinding time – to find his doctor again.

_John._

He had to save him.

And that he did.


	5. Chapter 5

Neither with nor without you

**Chapter 5**

The nightmares no longer plagued him.

Whenever he awoke, Jack felt wondrously...relaxed. Placing a gentle kiss on his sleeping husband's forehead, he realized that this...was where he belonged.

He had a place where he was needed – and a place where he wanted to be.

Forever.

And yet...he had already felt the pain of it ending at last. John may not remember the year that had never been, but everything was still so very alive in Jack's memory.

It only made the immortal appreciate these peaceful moments all the more.

Their second chance in itself was a miracle he was grateful for every single day he awoke next to the man he loved.

And every morning anew, he promised that he would never let him down again.

* * *

Time had been kind to John, yet it had to show eventually.

Decades had passed, wrinkles had appeared, and yet Jack could not help but fall in love again every time he saw his doctor.

"I think I'll be working from home today," John told him after breakfast as he massaged a sore spot on his neck, "Can you get the groceries later?"

Jack arched an eyebrow. "Again?" he asked critically, but did not wait for an answer. John was tiring out more easily nowadays, yet he insisted that it had no unnatural cause. Shifting his focus on tutoring rather than practising actively, he had already adapted his pace to his body's limitations. Nonetheless...his general well-being had not stopped deteriorating, slowly, but noticeably.

Making a mental note to insist on a checkup later that day – when he was not in a hurry to get to work only moderately late – Jack leaned down for a brief goodbye kiss, "Take care."

Insisting on stealing just a bit more of his husband's time, John deepened the kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Jack grinned brightly, not regretting the additional delay in the slightest.

* * *

In retrospective, it was his late arrival that saved his skin that day...at least for a while.

His team had salvaged a meteorite from Snowdonia that had harboured a danger nobody had anticipated. It was a plant that fed off electricity...and procreated that way. By the time Jack arrived, it had occupied a good part of the building.

Thanks to his team, he managed shutting off Torchwood tower's power supplies.

Thanks to an established cooperation with UNIT, he managed quarantining it altogether.

Unfortunately, though, not even John had been able to come up with a way to actually contain or even kill the thing.

This only left them with one option: waiting it out. Since electricity was its sole source of nourishment, it would eventually starve.

But...would it do so before his team?

Worse yet...there was electricity within the human body. If bad came to worst, their waiting would be useless if they ended up killing the main organism but serving as hosts for its offspring nonetheless.

Running a hand through his hair, Jack looked at the desperate faces of his friends. Most of them had been part of the team for less than ten years.

All of them were far too young to die like that.

"I'll figure this out," he heard John's firm promise through the phone before the battery died at last. Sighing, Jack lowered the device. This had been the last piece of functioning technology within the tower. There was no light but the moon above, no gas, no noise...aside from the soft sobbing from their youngest member.

Jack gulped. Rachel was Gwen and Rhys' daughter. What would he tell them?

Would he ever get to tell them anything in the first place?

"We need to burn it," she whispered quietly, "If we don't, the entire world will go down with us."

Watching her warily, Jack chose his words carefully. She had only voiced what everybody was thinking – the global intergalactic taskforce had grown immensely during the last three decades. If they had not found a solution during the day they had already spent in quarantine, they would probably not do so – at least, not in time for anyone to survive.

Rachel knew, Jack knew...all of them were aware of that. In that sense, burning along with the entire building might be the least cruel choice to make.

He did not want to watch his team starving.

But he could not have them give up just yet.

John had promised to help – and now that he thought about it, Jack had not tried everything, either. "Come on, people," he began as he finally got up again, his voice much stronger than he felt, "regardless of how bad this is looking, we're not out of options yet. We can still communicate with the outside world, and if there's any insight on this plant that can save everyone, it's us who can provide it."

A few gasps and disbelieving stares later, he was grateful to watch his small speech succeed; as everyone was setting to work, the overall mood was lightening again.

They could do this.

They had overcome many hindrances – so why would this one be different?

* * *

The sun had risen an hour ago, and they were finally getting somewhere...That did not make their findings particularly reassuring, though.

"So you're saying that it would take three months for it to die," Rachel summarized gravely, "assuming it has not, and never will, infect any of us."

"That's good news, though, isn't it?" Jack mused, thinking, "We do have enough rations for that long." Taking another moment to process that information, he then turned to Steven, who had been the head of their laboratory for five years already, "So what can we tell about the risk of infection?"

Much like everybody else, Steven did not particularly look thrilled. "I hate what I'm going to say," he stated and closed his eyes, "As far as I can tell, nobody has shown any visible signs of an infection, but...I've found spores of it in the blood samples of us all."

"No..." Rachel whispered, dropping to her knees.

Jack inhaled sharply. So this was it?

They were doomed after all?

"No, this is not the end," he muttered, running a hand through his hair as he walked amongst his despairing friends, "There has to be something we've overlooked."

The truth was...even if he could stand for the deaths of his team mates...he could not guarantee burning everything within the range of the quarantine would solve the problem...because the spores might well survive within his own system.

He had no solution to that.

"Maybe there's something that kills it, but not us," he mumbled, more to himself than to his team – but they answered nonetheless.

"You mean...like an electromagnetic impulse?" Steven suggested, his eyes briefly lighting up with hope.

"Yeah," Jack replied hastily, "Have we tried that yet?"

"I'll get to it," Steven replied with a nod.

Suddenly, though, the ground started shaking beneath their very feet and confirmed their worst fears.

"How can it be growing again?" Rachel exclaimed in terror, "It's got no energy source! There's no electricity left except for..."

"...us," Steven whispered gravely.

Another rumbling below increased their terror, but Jack noticed the subtle difference. "It's not growing," he stated quietly as he kept listening to a noise that was much louder than the steady rumbling it had given off before, "it's moving."

Even Steven panicked this time. "How can it be moving?" he breathed, "By any specifications, it's a plant, for crying out loud!"

"It looks like a vine, but its metabolism actually resembles that of a squid."

Jack's eyes widened. He welcomed hearing that voice, but...how dare John dash into a situation as dangerous as that?

"...well, a squid maintaining a low-level telepathic field while living off a highly adaptive kind of photosynthesis."

He had been about to reprimand his husband, but the man Jack was staring at with wide eyes and a dry throat...was not John at all. "What are you doing here?" he croaked, still in shock.

The Doctor looked like John had thirty years ago. With him wearing yellow trainers and a brown pinstripe suit, nothing about his appearance gave away his subjective age.

Nothing but the golden ring on his finger.

"I'm here to do something I'm good at," the Doctor stated plainly, "talking."

Jack opened his mouth...and closed it again.

"You mean you found a solution?" Rachel piped up hopefully, running up to him to shake his hand excitedly, "That's why you broke the quarantine in the first place, is it?"

"Well, yes," the Doctor replied and tilted his head, "This...plant-squid is a single sentient being known as Morbol." The frown, suddenly ever-present on those familiar features, deepened. "It stranded on Earth thanks to the rift and was simply trying to survive," he explained, "It never meant to harm anyone."

"So what do we do with it?" Steven asked, "We don't exactly have a way of talking to it...do we?"

"Actually we do, and it agreed to leave us alone," the Doctor offered plainly, "It's being migrated as we speak."

Rachel's eyes lit up as she squeezed John's hand which was still caught between hers. "Oh thank god!"

"The spores in your blood are merely its way of recognizing you," the Doctor added, "Nothing harmful will grow from that, so you all might as well go and get some well-deserved fresh air." With a small grin, he nodded towards the door he had entered through.

As the rest of the team left towards freedom in tearful relief, Rachel was practically bouncing. "I've never been so happy to see you, John," she chirped gratefully before dashing off as well.

A whole minute passed before Jack corrected her, far too late for anybody to hear. "He's not John." As he lowered his head in grief, slow footfalls and quiet rustling told him of the Doctor sitting down on the chair to his far right.

Close enough to be heard, but too far away to offer any comfort.

"It was a terminal illness," the time lord offered at last, "I – John – was planning to tell you once he hit the critical stage, but given the fact you would have been trapped in this tower for another couple of months, you would not have met again either way."

Jack felt his eyes beginning to water. "What?"

"Humans fade, Jack," the Doctor spoke, "But they never want you to notice."

Inhaling deeply, Jack gulped. "I never said goodbye."

"John's not dead," the Doctor replied softly, "He's right here."

Forcing himself to look up, Jack saw a man he knew yet didn't watching him with the strangest expression.

Within a split second his heart broke yet again, and he quickly averted his eyes – just like the Doctor did.

Taking a deep breath, the time lord got up again to pace around the room. For better or for worse, Jack at least was not the only one deeply unsettled in that moment.

Frankly, his mind had already refused working properly by the time he had caught sight of the Doctor. By now, Jack was just sitting there, thinking nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, barely even listening.

"The thing is," the Doctor was rambling, "It's gotten better, but I can't believe it's still that difficult."

Tiredly, Jack looked up.

"I've been close to you for thirty years," the time lord uttered and bit his lip as he met the immortal's heartbroken gaze, "and I can still barely even look at you."

Only when a sob escaped his lips at those words did Jack realize he really had started crying at some point. "Then change back," he whispered.

He had known this was where it had always been headed, so why was it still hurting so much? John was gone, replaced by a man who was convinced of the wrongness of Jack's very nature.

And yet, as the immortal dared looking up at that man again, he realized his words had hurt him just as much.

"...what?" the Doctor echoed in a horse voice.

He was being unfair, was he? But, staring back blankly, Jack was too tired to even care anymore, "Can you even change back?"

The Doctor looked at him with eyes he had never seen so sad. "Yes."

"Will you?" Jack whispered.

Taking a step back, the Doctor finally sat down again. "You still don't understand, do you?" he spoke with a rueful smile. "You're impossible. You're a fixed point in time. You should not exist." He took a deep breath. "My very instincts are screaming so loudly I cannot even bear to keep looking at you. But the thing is...I want to. I want to keep looking at you."

As Jack stared at the man he both loved and despised, it took him several minutes to process the meaning behind those words.

Smiling softly, the Doctor got up and approached Jack at last. As he placed a shaky hand on the immortal's shoulder, his battle against his time lord instincts telling him to stay at a distance became painfully obvious.

Why did he even bother?

But then he leaned forward to whisper in Jack's ear, "In this whole universe, you're the only one who is just as lonely as I am. So even if I need to become human to solve that problem, I will. Again and again and again."

...what?

Jack could not stop crying...but all of a sudden, it was a different emotion that caused those tears. "I was afraid you would reject me," he rasped at last, "...and now...you're saying you became human to be with me in the first place?"

Hovering above Jack, the Doctor refrained from answering directly. "Do you want me to be human again?" he whispered into his ear.

Jack was taken aback for a moment. When he had asked the time lord to change back mere minutes ago, he had done so because of a horrible loss.

But he understood now.

John and the Doctor – one had loved so openly, the other was struggling, yet trying hard to do so. While different, they were the same person after all. John was still there, somehow. It was as simple as that. And so, Jack got up at last, grabbed the Doctor by the shoulder and faced him squarely.

"I'll love you either way," he announced in the firmest voice he had mustered all day and pressed his lips onto the Doctor's. The time lord was surprised, yet welcomed the gesture, albeit with the hesitation his very nature forced upon him. Finally, they pulled apart, yet Jack could not help keeping the man close who had been his lover, his husband...and - dare he hope so? - might become that again. And so he finally finished his statement, "All I want is for you to stay with me."

Still breathing heavily, the Doctor was smiling against his neck. "I can do that," he replied in a soft voice only John had used and leant back to meet Jack's eyes warmly. "So what do you say?" he proposed, "Let's witness the miracles of the universe." His grin widened. "Together."

As tears were starting to cloud his vision yet again, Jack could not help pulling the Doctor into a tight embrace.

This was real, wasn't it?

He was holding onto John just as he was holding onto the Doctor.

What had always been an unrealistic dream was suddenly within his grasp.

Within his embrace.

John was alive, and breathing, and he would live on for centuries.

Alongside Jack.

As the time lord he had always idolized, yet never gotten close to.

When had that happened, though? When had the Doctor started _caring_?

Inhaling shakily, hesitantly stroking brown hair he loved _so much_, he realized he did not even need to know.

The Doctor had been inspiring throughout most of his life, but suddenly, he was right there - right where he needed him.

This truly was real, wasn't it?

A final tear rolled out of Jack's eye as he finally replied with a wide smile.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Fin

* * *

**Notes:** Because Jack and the Doctor deserve to be happy, and they would do so well supporting each other throughout their incredibly long lives.

I really hope I could do them justice in writing this, and I hope the main ideas shone through enough even though some of them were only subtly hinted at (e.g. John being rather balanced in nature because the -tired- Doctor wanted to experience not being restless all the time etcetc).

So, well, I'm rambling...and I'll do so a bit more: It's not exactly that important for the story per say, but if you've been wondering about the actual reason for Jack's nightly visions: whenever he had those, an incomplete part of the Doctor (either hand or fob watch) was close to him, so there might have been an unvoluntary reaction. (Though, again, that explanation only works if you don't mind 2006 actually spanning several years, but I think Jack and John's comparatively carefree days need to last more than a few short months.)

In any case, I hope you enjoyed this story and I'd be really happy to know what you liked and disliked - or any feedback at all. (Anyone make the magical review button appear? :3 )

So, thank you all for reading and till next time!


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